Hello my beloved one,
Today I want to write something personal. Something that’s going through my thoughts a lot lately and I just really want to share it with someone. With you.
It maybe sounds weird, but there are these voices in my head. They are giving their, sometimes harsh, opinion by every single thought that come to my mind. Well, maybe it’s not that crazy at all, you told me once you about a voice inside you. So I guess it’s normal. I guess that it’s something human. But if you want to know my opinion: I think it’s pretty damn annoying. Maybe the only weird part is how I’m going to describe my voices. Because I want to tell you about them.
Most of the voices go along pretty well. Sometimes they help each other out and fill in each others gaps. And sometimes they just let each other be. But there is one voice in particular who’s kind of, let me say, a pain in the ass. Let me tell you why:
This is the story of Mr. Fear. Mr. Fear has a voice. A loud voice. A very opinionated voice. A voice who is scared.
Whenever an idea comes to mind, Mr. Fear comes around the corner and says hello. Well, to be honest, he’s actually not saying this, but he’s more like yelling and screaming this. Pretty hysterical if you ask me. He has zero patience. Only one millisecond after saying his hello, he starts to ask questions. A million questions. “Are you sure about this? Do you really like this? Is it a good idea? Are you really able to do this? Did you think about all the stuff you have to do? Maybe it’s already done? Is it going to be good enough? Am I talented enough? Am I good enough?” There’s no room left for any other voice.
Seriously, I can go on for another 100 questions easily. But that’s not going to help me. And it’s probably not entertaining for you either. So let me go on with this story about Mr. Fear.
The past few year, after some pretty heartbreaking events, fear was slowly taking over. His screaming became louder and louder. Without even really noticing each time he asked me question I became less secure about myself and Mr. Fear took the steering wheel of my life. Which resulted in me doing nothing, but just crawling into my “safe” cave. You obviously noticed that I wrote safe between quotations marks, because it actually didn’t feel that safe. The more I crawled into this cave, the less I felt like myself. And the more Mr. Fear was present, and aswering the questions for me.
People, family and friends, noticed this, but had no idea what to do. Sometimes I came out of this dark cave and showed my face. But honestly, that was so exhausting. I liked it, I even loved it to show myself, but somehow Mr. Fear’s voice was so loud. Extremely loud. The times I showed myself, I would call them good days, I had hope. I had hope that I could say goodbye to Mr. Fear. That I could do this on my own. But clearly I couldn’t, it was exhausting me back too much.
I don’t know if you know, because I think I did a great job in hiding, but I’ve been exhausted for a couple of years now. I only realize this now. Now I’m slowly getting my voices aligned. And when I’m thinking back about all the events Mr. Fear was taking over that steering wheel. It’s been a lot of events. I start to realize how much he took over. How much I’ve lost myself. All that time I was trying to push Mr. Fear away. No I was not trying to push him away. I was trying to destroy him.
I’m starting to understand, that I don’t have to get rid of this Mr. Fear. Mr. Fear is not all that bad, he is also keeping me grounded, and letting me think twice before I do something. Sometimes you really need to think twice. You really do.
I learned that everyone deserves a place, so Mr. Fear deserves one as well, I’m not going to shut him out, but I’m learning him to yell a little softer. I’m not going to live a fearless life, I’m going live a brave life. Some may call this creative living. I hope you understand. I also told this to Mr. Fear. He had some trouble in the beginning and we fought a lot. Actually we still fight on daily basis. But I must say, step by step, he’s starting to understand me. And more importantly I start to understand him.
Slowly I’m building myself up again. Rebuilding my confidence. Charging up my fuels. I had the feeling I really had to tell you this. My energy levels are rising and I really felt the urge to write you.
While writing this I realize how much catching up we have to do! It’s been a while that I’ve told you about me. I promise next time I’m going to tell you more!
But if you can’t wait or if you have any vital questions, don’t hesitate to contact me. I always love a good conversation.